I didn’t talk much this Spring. I didn’t get out much. Didn’t answer my phone, or emails, or go to most of the meetings that I was invited to. I begged off because I wasn’t feeling well. And I wasn’t, but it wasn’t because of fatigue from my Multiple Sclerosis or because of my back pain. I was dealing with the most serious bout of depression in my life and I literally couldn’t tell any but my closest friends.
I’m only writing this now because of the amazing turn around that I made this summer and because of the terrible things that are being said right now with the recent assumed suicide of Robin Williams. I have a terrible sympathy for him. While I was never suicidal, I have also never been more helpless in my life.
When I lost my job last September, I was already deeply depressed. In fact, when I saw my neurologist soon after, my father was with me. My doctor made my father solemnly promise to keep an eye on me in case I did become suicidal. From the time of that appointment to the time I left for camp this summer my father and my brother took on the job of making sure that I was up out of bed every day and doing something, even if it was just working on the computer.
My dear friend Kim also started a Bible study around this time that was a lifeline for me. Dad took me to it every week and I studied every day. I found comfort in the routine and Kim checked in on me when I needed it.
I knew that I had a problem and I knew that I needed help. However, that help was so far away from me. I was having such bad anxiety that I literally could not make a phone call to the doctor. Dad had to take me to appointments. I was afraid to drive. It was horrible. Finally, I tearfully and fearfully confessed to Chris that I had to see someone and he had to help.
It took 2 different psychiatrists to find the problem. I literally had no serotonin. The level should be near 400 and mine was 3. I was prescribed several different supplements and within weeks I was healthy and capable again.
I think it’s wonderful that everyone is posting help and support lines, but I have been in the terrifying situation of needing help, knowing I need help, and being unable to reach out and grab it. Please don’t judge those who can’t. And thank God for the wonderful people in my life who lifted me up out of the darkness this time. I love you all.